how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
