in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
