The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
