you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
