Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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