she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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