Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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