if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
