If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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