Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
