She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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