I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
there is puke in my bra ... again
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
