she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
