smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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