My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
