I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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