I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
