clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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