Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
