There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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