dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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