Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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