I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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