i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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