I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
