Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
True college students do jello shots in the library
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
