If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
