How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
