he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
