my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
