$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
