around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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