His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
