Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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