Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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