dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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