it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
