She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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