where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
