We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
