i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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