He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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