smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
