Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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