Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
