I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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