Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
