I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
