You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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