Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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