if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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