i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
