he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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