If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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