I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
