I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
