He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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