his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
